Alright, I have some good news for  you all, and some bad news.	They've discovered that there has been a standing requirement for regular urinalysis testing of Starfleet personnel as part of the regulations for about 120 years..
One hundred twenty...?  You mean, since the Enterprise's crew found Dr. Sevrin's space-cocaine?	Oh, and they dropped paint bombs on Argus III from orbit, to spell "Klaang Sucks" in 3-mile high letters.
Yeah, that's where it started.  Anyway, Bureau of Personnel figures we're about 80 years behind on Operation Golden Flow.	Back in the 20th century, men and women in Federal and private service had to sacrifice personal privacy and dignity in the name of a workplace paranoia.
But, Our Modern Society has moved beyond the needs of such cheap trendy pharmecuticals as are detectable by urinalysis.	Since we've conquered poverty, ugliness, disenfranchisement and Republicans, no one has had the need to alter their perception of reality in that manner.
True.  Good arguments. But regs are regs.  Especially when there's Tellarite lawyers on staff.	So, if the bad news is that we have to participate in this barbaric practice from a dark period in human history, what's the good news?
Well, the agreement reached between the lawyers and the Enlisted Advocacy is, they're removing the requirement, but you do have to make one token donation in accord with the abandoned reg.	Okay, great.  If they think one trip to the head can make up for 80 years of donation, bring out the bottles!
Right.  Speaking of 80 years...	Fill this two-thirds to three-quarters full, cap it, and bring it to sick bay.  Then you're done with all urinalysis for the rest of your career.
Chirrrp! Captain, we are recieving-	...a garbled distress call.  That was quick.
Well, the meeting was well over. Why do you think it's a garbled distress call?	That is what the computer identified it as. If they weren't in distress, the transmitter would be in better condition, nu?
But why would a distress call be garbled?	If you are having problems, there is nothing preventing the problem from affecting your comms.
No, but we have 3 independent redundant systems for the sole purpose of transmitting distress. When you're in trouble, that's when you really want to reach out and touch someone.	Perhaps the message is 'If you come here, space pirates will kill you right after decimating your subspace comms room.'
Can we take that chance, sir?	No, just playing devil's advocate. All speed to their coordinates.
Maybe they are on an intelligence mission?	Then they wouldn't broadcast at all.  Or it'd be a message that no one would pay any attention to.  Something common like 'Cargo Hauler #34-546 on schedule' or 'Our Navigator has evolved to an energy based life form.'
Two Hours Later:
Sir, we're within visual range of the vessel.
Is there any reason it isn't on screen?	You didn't say 'Put It Onscreen,' sir.
Tell me, do we navigate with that screen?	No, sir.
Run diagnostics?  Peruse technical manuals? Pick up Romulan soap operas?	No, sir.
	So, when we're in the middle of light years of nothing, absolute nothing-ness, sheer unrelenting abyss, and we encounter something we can look at, and you tell me we're close enough to look at it, it is logical to require the captain to take an extra step to indicate that you should put it, 'On The View Screen?'
That's the way they trained us in the Academy, sir. It's the procedure.	Procedure?  Really?
	You know, every time I have a plan, that I did not reach through a process that can be expressed as an algorithm, the Vulcans fall all over themselves to point out the holes in my 'logic.'  But let two Packleds write something down as a 'procedure' and suddenly it's doctrine.
Procedures are doctrine, sir.	Look, just consider the logic of having to be told to use the damned thing for the one and only thing it was designed to do?
Coming onscreen, sir.
	Ahem?
Oh.  Magnifying now, sir.	Oh, look at that.

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four