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SIRE!
There has been a cataclysm!
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I thought you took an elixir for that.
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No, sire, a calamity! A misfortune! A serious setback!
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The Pope
raised the interest rates again?!?!
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Sire, Castle
Anthrax has fallen into the depths of the earth.
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There was a great shaking of the earth, a column of fire, and
everything inside the keep walls except the botanical gardens fell down
out of sight!
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Was anyone hurt?
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Can’t be sure. The fissure extends
down far past mortal ken,
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and all who were within it are lost, or at least in a different
zip code.
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Only a few of the residents escaped by
being among the roses at the time.
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Oh, my stars and garters. That’s
4 score and ten virgins, aged 17 to nineteen and a half, in distress, in
dark dungeon deep down in the dirt? |
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Figure four damsels rescued per trip, that’s 23 trips, 4 days for
the first trip, to map it out and clear the bigger obstructions, 2 days
each after that, a day of rest and a day of weapons/armor maintenance between
each, that’s 92 days… |
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But sire, you forget the princesses.
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Oh, yes, royal distressed damsels get a
dedicated rescue. So how many princesses were there?
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I’m not certain, sire, there was an alumni convention
being held when it went down.
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So, there’s no telling how many damsels are
in distress? Do you have any idea how many princes are going to be drawn
to this kingdom to rescue them?
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Lord, they’ll be quaffing, questing, quarreling, and breaking into
song Matins, Sext and Compline. And wandering around the dungeons, rescuing
and deflowering women right and left.
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And stripping the dungeons
of the loot I need.
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Unless…. |
What?
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What if we charge them?
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Charge them? Make Princes registered with the
Champion board pay to rescue a damsel in distress? |
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Well, not so blatantly. Make it a fee, for carrying Hero weapons
within the borders… |
And for unlicensed bard singing.
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for the wedding. |
What wedding?
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The
wedding where the hand of your daughter is given to the hero that rescues
her from mortal subterranean peril.
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I had a daughter at
Anthrax?
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No, sir. But none of them will know that.
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Ah. So, they’ll all
contribute to a wedding that won’t be thrown…
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Then, you give them
the hand of one of the Damsels they DID rescue, and they ride off happily
into the sunset.
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While I sit here not
spending the money on a wedding. Right. Spread the word.
Take this down:
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Two to three metric charms
of princesses and ladies in waiting have been drawn into the depths. First
come, first served, all you can marry, with the hand of my daughter to
the prince that rescues her from this dungeon. A fee to register, smaller
fees for licensing of magic weapons, squires and pages, group rates available
for experienced parties, 50% off burial fees if prepaid before delving.
Make the arrangements
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In the Below: |
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What is going on? Why were
we brought down here?
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It’s rather simple, my
dear. Just think of the ransom King Arthur would pay to get you back.
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Pay? Arthur?
You don’t get the daily heralds down here, do you?
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What are you saying?
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Just that Arthur’s
broke. He’s far more likely to come down here and pry the jewels out
of your sword than he is to bring any money to you. I don't know if he
even realizes I'm missing.
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Wait. Did you say an alumni
party?
Has anyone seen Guinevere?
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